Viewing all items in Resource Category: Smile Lines

** Editor:  One of our Parish Pump editors, Catherine, near Chester, has just sent in the following true story from her own parish.  Keeping warm?   A member of our PCC floated the idea of opening the church during the Warm Spaces hours, for anyone wishing to sit in church and light a candle. **...

** Christmas in my heart Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year and, thanks to credit cards, it’s also on my Visa card statement twelve months a year. ** Turkey He ate so much over the holidays that he decided to quit cold turkey. Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?...

** Died in the services Little Alex was staring up at the large brass plaque that hung on the side wall of the church.  The plaque was covered with names, and it seemed to fascinate the seven-year-old. “All those names,” he said to the minister. “Who are they?” “Well, they were people who used to...

*** Editor:  October brings St Luke’s day, and as St Luke is the patron saint of physicians and surgeons, we thought you might enjoy these comments, allegedly taken from actual medical records, dictated by doctors. From medical records…. ~ On the second day, the knee was better and on the third day it had completely...

Off to school Mother to young daughter after first day at school: “Well, dear, what did they teach you today?” Daughter: “Not much. I’ve got to go back again tomorrow.” ** As Party Conference season gets underway: We pay a tremendous crime bill each year, but we do get a lot of crime for our...

** Ecumenics of a crisis During a recent gathering of local faith leaders, the church caught fire. The Methodists gathered in the corner and prayed. The Baptists cried, “Where is the water?” The Anglicans formed a procession and marched out. The Quakers silently praised God for the blessings that fire brings. The Lutherans posted a...

Church School Test Grandchildren Swim? Puppy Water Forgiveness Excuses, excuses Bathroom tidy Couch The nervous nun Which staff? Sun Not like it used to be Church bulletin notices that didn’t turn out quite right…. The third hut   ** Which staff? Several years ago the then Bishop of London reported to the General Synod that...

Church bulletin notices that didn’t quite work…   Attraction Better by half Reasons for marriage Gardening Marriage Laundry DIY Find and replace Plant Man and wife Grandmothers This next one… Miscellaneous observations on life ** Church bulletin notices that didn’t quite work…   ~ The Revd John Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of...

** When Children and RE mix… When children meet the Bible, the result can be unpredictable. As in these answers to a school chaplain’s efforts to teach RE…. ~ The main purpose of the prophets was to set up the lights for when Jesus came on the stage. ~ The Kingdom of God is no...

** Sea of Galilee A vicar planning an Easter pilgrimage to the Holy Land was shaken when he found it would cost him £50 an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee. He protested to the travel agent that the cost was ridiculous. “That might be true,” replied the travel agent, “but...

** If biblical headlines were written by today’s secular media On Red Sea crossing:   WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE Pursuing environmentalists killed On David vs. Goliath: HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION Psychologist questions influence of rock On Elijah on Mt. Carmel: FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY 400 killed On the birth of Christ:...

Giving up for Lent At the end of the pre-Lent sermon, the vicar suggested, as an example to the rest of the community, that the congregation should worship in an unheated church for the whole of Lent.  As they made their way into the chill Sunday air the vicar addressed one member of the congregation,...