Viewing all items in Resource Category: Smile Lines

** Camels In Jane’s Christmas drawing, two of the camels were approaching the inn, over which was pictured a large star.  The third camel and its rider were going directly away from it. “Why is the third man going in a different direction?” her mother asked. Jane replied: “Oh, he’s looking for a place to...

** Parade for Remembrance Service Local newspapers advertising church services don’t always get it quite right. Such as the local paper advertising a Remembrance Day service, who should have printed:  There will be a parade of uniformed organisations. Instead, they printed:  There will be a parade of uniformed organists. ** Iniquities A keen young boy,...

Editor:  Here are some more real-life extracts from church bulletins and notices that didn’t come out quite in the way intended! The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility. Harvest Supper Friday at 6pm. Prayer and medication to follow. The Men’s group will meet at 6pm. Steak, mashed potatoes,...

** Bifocals A preacher went into the pulpit one Sunday morning wearing a pair of new bifocals.  The reading portion of the glasses improved his vision considerably, but the top portion of the glasses didn’t work so well. In fact, he was experiencing dizziness every time he looked through them. Finally, he apologised to the...

** Hard to tell During a summer music festival, a punk rocker stopped at the front desk of the reception tent to ask if there were any messages for her. The desk clerk handed her an unsigned note, and she asked for a description of the person who had left it. “That’s easy,” replied the...

Editor:  With holidays approaching, some of the following may strike a chord with your readers! Holiday:  an all-expense tour Holiday:  something you take when you can’t take what you’ve been taking any longer. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight before you appear in a swimsuit, because by then your body...

 ** Neighbourhood Watch In one small rural village the local vet also led the local Neighbourhood Watch group.  Late one night the phone rang, and his wife answered.  An agitated voice inquired, “Is your husband there?” “He is, but tell me, do you need him as the vet or the Neighbourhood Watch?” the wife asked....

** Mea Culpa A group of lads took a trip to France and decided to attend Mass in a small town, even though none of them understood French. They managed to stand, kneel and sit when the rest of the congregation did, so it wouldn’t be obvious they were tourists. At one point, the priest...

Divine Intervention? A little boy was playing outside with his mother’s broom in the garden. That night his mother realised her broom was still missing and asked her son to go out and bring it in. When the little boy confessed he was afraid of the dark, his mother tried to comfort him: ‘The Lord...

Things we would not have known without Sunday School With your eyes closed for prayer, anything can happen in a room full of pre-schoolers. Squash and song motions do not mix. When dropped, offering money always rolls to the other side of the room. Children’s prayer requests reveal a lot about their parents. **  Bishop...

Hymns for seasoned citizens The Old Rugged Face Precious Lord, Take My Hand, And Help Me Up It is Well With My Soul, But My Knees Hurt Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing Amazing Grace, Considering My Age Just a Slower Walk With Thee Count Your Many Birthdays, Name Them One by One Go...

** The cat A vicar and his wife were going out for the evening, and carefully set the security lights and put the cat out. But when they opened the door to go to the taxi, the cat slipped back in and disappeared upstairs. Irritated, the vicar followed it. The wife waited with the taxi...